Started thinking about my life over a can of coke yesterday. It occured to me that this is the first time I feel happy about where I am, who I am. Sure I have messed up in some ways or another, I had made wrong calls, terrible decisions and I had definitely been weak and did stupid things as a result. Still, I am glad that I have made it till so far.
In my teens, I had struggled with my parents' expectations and my own identity. Being one who hates conflicts, I often gave in to please everyone except me. Perhaps it explained why till today, I still have the insecurities and lack confidence. I never see myself as good enough for anything.
The bad choices made in relationships started in my late teens and continued in my early twenties. I was lost and picking up the broken pieces was a long and lonely journey. Then there was the hunger to seek myself, to understand myself and to accept myself for who I am. My middle and late twenties were more peaceful though there's this struggle of peer pressure, conforming to social norms and juggling work with life.
As I approach my thirties, I hit a long period of depression. I felt that I had been sucked into a vacuum and I couldn't get out. I felt trapped. I began questioning the existence of my life. I had this constant picture in my head where I get out of my shell, do something else, go somewhere, live a different life. I remembered that I was unhappy for a long time. Frustrations grew and consumed me.
Being unhappy is a terrible thing. It clouds ones judgement and perception of the things and situations around. I didn't see a lot of the blessings I had; I kept seeing the failure that I was; I kept seeing the things that I couldn't do, failed to do. I only had one thought that I clinged on to for a long time, that was to get out... I had to get out of my current life.
This is the first time I feel happy at where I am. No what ifs, no buts, no if onlys...
In my teens, I had struggled with my parents' expectations and my own identity. Being one who hates conflicts, I often gave in to please everyone except me. Perhaps it explained why till today, I still have the insecurities and lack confidence. I never see myself as good enough for anything.
The bad choices made in relationships started in my late teens and continued in my early twenties. I was lost and picking up the broken pieces was a long and lonely journey. Then there was the hunger to seek myself, to understand myself and to accept myself for who I am. My middle and late twenties were more peaceful though there's this struggle of peer pressure, conforming to social norms and juggling work with life.
As I approach my thirties, I hit a long period of depression. I felt that I had been sucked into a vacuum and I couldn't get out. I felt trapped. I began questioning the existence of my life. I had this constant picture in my head where I get out of my shell, do something else, go somewhere, live a different life. I remembered that I was unhappy for a long time. Frustrations grew and consumed me.
Being unhappy is a terrible thing. It clouds ones judgement and perception of the things and situations around. I didn't see a lot of the blessings I had; I kept seeing the failure that I was; I kept seeing the things that I couldn't do, failed to do. I only had one thought that I clinged on to for a long time, that was to get out... I had to get out of my current life.
This is the first time I feel happy at where I am. No what ifs, no buts, no if onlys...
