结婚

December is an emotional month.  I couldn't help but think of what happened this time last year.  I was in India and everything felt wrong.  In the worst possible way, the relationship ended a couple of weeks later.

今天他说他要结婚了。

I congratulated him but I thought "Was I that forgettable?"  That hurts my ego.

The Odd One (Out)

I can't describe nor put a finger to how I feel these days.

I feel bored. frustrated. restless. aimless. lost.

Maybe I just need a holiday.  Is that the solution? Or am beginning to feel trapped and losing sight of what I am doing?  I have seen this before.  It's just that the cycle is getting shorter.

I don't feel belonged.

And I don't know what else I should do.

Run Free - Not

It is natural to wish one can take flight... run from the troubles... leave the unpleasantness.

Uproot and leave.

Friends would say, they can't because they have commitments, children and so they choose to stay.

I don't have any of those reasons. Honestly, I can take flight but why am I not doing it?

I keep choosing to stay rooted to my place and let the disgruntlement grow, let my body take another blow at trying to absorb the stress and anger.

I have so little courage to do what my heart desire... to be bold in pursuing an alternative dream...

With the deadline Dec 2012 looming.. Will I eventually do what I seek to achieve?

Run Free

Yup... that's about sum it all up.

This is not the time to take stock of things...

Sigh...........

I see the gate ahead of me... It is the gateway to other things... Yet... part of me wants to run in the opposite direction.

Part of me wants to give this all up and just walk away.

Why?

Why do I have this all the time?

Cold...

Revenge is best served cold.

Cold hearted

Cold blooded

and Cold eyed

The moment it all froze up, smash it to a thousand pieces.

Now we are even.

What else can I think of at this time of the night?

Humph!

I don't wish to second guess...

To imagine what may not be possibly there...

To worry about a future that may not happen...

To be sadden by a thought that manifests only in my mind...

To be disappointed by an expectation that never existed...

So, what else can I possibly be thinking of at this time of the night?

It is I who I don't trust

"I like you because you are smart" becomes "It is tiring talking to you".

"I like you because you are spontaneous" becomes "I am tired period".

"I like you because you are funny" becomes "Stop whining, it's boring".

Behind this mask lies a very insecure self. She is at loss at why her perceived strengths would turn out to be burdens and cumbersome to handle.

Her attempts to banter are often taken as criticisms and annoyance. Is the poker face too poker-ed?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....................

Pain

She held his hand and waited...

Waiting to hear his rhythmic breathing...

He's finally asleep.

There will be no more pain for tonight.

For a moment she wished she would be able to take away his anguish

That he would be able to breathe freely and feel the warmth of the sun.

Yet

She understood pain, she knew how it tend to lurk in the shadows.

She stared into darkness and waited...

Waiting for her pain to end for the night.

And now it's June

The song “对的人” played continuously in the background and it suddenly occurred to me that it's been 5 months.

My heart is finally at a state of peaceful bliss.

The nightmares have finally stopped and fortunately there's little evidence of the hurt left.

E said he's lucky to be able to share my moment of liberation. And I thought I am the lucky one.

Time doesn't really heal. It simply numbs the pain momentarily so that one can clear the head and gain a sharper perspective. The actual recovery can then begin.

For a good part of my life I have been seeking the one whom I can trust with my heart... Who I ask "If I give you my heart, will you promise to take care of her and protect her from all harm?"

Finally I realised I am the one who should be protecting my heart. To keep her from harm's way, to hold her close and to shield her from lies and pretence.

I do, however think it's been a rather colourful life so far. Maybe not the best nor one that's decked with achievements, still, it's been one heck of a ride :)

Pencil Fans

I didn't realise my pencils could attract compliments.

Z said "Even the pencils you use show character".

Maybe I should get a bunch of pink ones for him...

你会记得吗？

多年以后，

你是否还会记得

你爱我的理由？

你是否会怀念现在的日子？

还是一切只是过眼云烟，时间久了我们都渐渐地忘记。。。

忘了你怎么逗我笑，

忘了我们对彼此的想念，

忘了爱对方的理由。

这就是人生吗？

10 Reminders

1. Walk away from others' monkeys. We all have our battles to fight.

2. Remember to be.

3. Remember to love and laugh. If cooking is an expression of love, then cook a storm and feed the masses.

4. Remember one's dream and promises to keep - I must love myself.

5. Remember to respect another's dreams.

6. Remember pain lasts for a fleeting moment. Sometimes love too.

7. Remember to trust life.

8. Remember to be true to oneself.

9. Remember some things are not for meant to keep.

10. Remember to let go when the time comes.

A long term commitment to a short term relationship

Four months ago I hit rock bottom and I didn't know how to crawl my way up.

For days I cried myself to sleep, felt my heart ached, pictured myself sitting all alone on the edge of the cliff and I couldn't reach out.

Then an angel came and sat quietly next to me. He placed his hand on my shoulder and waited patiently.

Finally my tears dried up and the aching stopped.

He figured someone needed to give me a break. So one day he sat me down and brought me lunch. Offered me a drink and napkin when I finished... He didn't realise how much his little gesture meant to me, how it comforted my soul. Some time later, over another's desk, he told me about how he needed to run to purge negativity out of his system, about his bipolar tendencies... and I thought someone needed to give him a break.

So between here and there something clicked.

I am drawn to his kindness and it makes me want to be better to him. Despite him telling me that this is going to be a short term relationship, for once, I just want to love someone who truly deserves my love.

And I believe that's all that really matters.

Nightmares

Some thoughts are still deeply embedded within.

So deeply etched in my mind that when I sleep, they still continue to haunt me, evoke the feelings of humiliation and pain.

I fear to allow myself to fully depend on anyone.

I fear to allow myself to believe every flattery whole heartedly.

I guess like most nightmares... the heart pounding moments will stop when one wakes up and sees reality as it is.

Would you dance?

I feel we are dancing.

We dance around each other

Occasionally tip toeing,

sometimes gliding

and other times simply trying to mirror the other's moves.

Yet how do we mirror the other when the other is trying to do the same?

I guess I care a lot about how he feels.

I am afraid to take him for granted

and I constantly think about his needs while trying to balance with my insecurities.

So I keep looking out for his expressions, wondering if I have unwittingly stepped out of line.

I guess he cares a lot about how I feel.

He keeps thinking ahead of how I may react to something he may say

and then try to preempt it by countering another response

So he keeps listening to my replies, wondering if he said something out of line.

In retrospect, we are hilarious.

Because we can take a whole night to assure each other and still wonder if we will say something inappropriate the next moment.

Putting in perspective, we haven't really known each other that long.

Yet, the familiarity feels otherwise.

So we toggle between getting to know each other in depth,

and testing out our boundaries...

While I wonder if I will mess it up this time... again.

Sometimes I forget...

To be a little weak

To be a little more ignorant

To be a little less headstrong

To be less determined...

Sometimes I should remember...

To do less

To ask for help

To say I cannot

So that I will have more energy to...

think more, love more, laugh more and appreciate more.

I really miss the blue sky, the salty air and the gentle ocean breeze...

CG

The silly girl left me a scarf today.

If only she knew no gifts in the world would be more greater than seeing her smile yesterday..

If only she realised that my greatest pride was to see how she had bravely fought for what she believed to be important.. and stuck on to her decision till the end...

And that I am going to miss her...

Let me be free

Tell me what it feels like to be free

To think freely... To know what I think are my thoughts and not because I need to be in sync with someone else.

To act freely... To realise that my choice and course of actions are mine and not because I need to keep pace with someone else's life and expectations.

I only wanted to be free...

I am in the mood for....

Everybody's Changing by Keane

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can

You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

Oh
Everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

Green Eyed Monster

I eventually got jealous.

With all the logic and sense I have in my head, I still can't tame that demon in my head. I can't shake that jealousy out of my system.

In my tired and vulnerable state, I wish someone would give me some attention and spoil me. I wish someone would notice that I too have a headache and would fuss over me.

I wish he realised that I really need a hug without me asking for one... to realise that in being there for everyone, I too need someone to be there for me.

The best bit, I actually got upset with myself for feeling this way.

Are you my fan?

I couldn't stop smiling when I recall an incident today.

I found a cup of iced tea on my desk with a note "Enjoy!". I didn't know who it was from and decided to ask Z if he saw anyone putting it there. He replied "Oh, it must be either X or E" and added "E is your fan".

In my attempt to act blur, I asked "Fan? Why?" He concluded by saying that E seemed to be buying quite a few things for me to eat. (Hmm.. Really??)

Then he recounted this time when E came by my desk and was searching for something. He was amused that E was actually looking for chocolates at my place. I couldn't help but laughed.

I think we are so going to be busted. It's just a matter of which point we are going to tip!

It's still so funny when I think about it.

Hold Hands

There's something intimately sweet about holding hands.

It is a simple gesture that says so much.

It transmits the feelings of a person to another without saying a word. It reflects the intensity of the emotions shared between 2 persons without any one of them revealing their intentions or desires. It demonstrates the warmth of one to the other.

I guess as I get older, I treasure more the moments when someone holds my hand. I will recall the sense of touch, the warm feeling when he reached out and hold my hand. That alone is enough to warm my day ahead....

Dear old Calvin

"You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood."

"What mood is that?"

"Last minute panic"

~ Calvin and Hobbes

Shadows

There are shadows even in the night.

There are times when I thought I have finally shaken them off, only to see them again lurking in the corner, waiting to haunt my memories.

I wish I can forget.

Forget how vulnerable I used to feel, forget how angry I could get, forget how hurtful I could become.

Perhaps they served as a reminder to the consequences when I allowed myself to fall into despair and stop believing. I would be lying if I were to say that I am not afraid. I am. There are no certainties in my future and I wonder where all these free-spiritedness is going to lead me.

Am I on the extreme end of the pendulum? Or am I finally at my equilibrium?

Will I finally be at peace and learn to live with my mistakes and past?

Will I eventually learn to forgive myself?

Pillow Search

I think searching for the perfect pillow is like trying to find the ideal mate.

You think you know what you are looking for but it takes hours of searching and trying before you find one with the just right height, firmness and feel.

And so happily you brought it home.

You probably envision how a blissful night sleep will be like, how energized you ought to feel the next morning and how you found the solution to all the sleepless nights.

Right...

Do we always get it right the first time? Or do we try the pillow for weeks, hoping it will become the one we hope, the one that will take away the lethargy we feel in our bones? How long do we keep trying until we realise there can be no better pillow or recognise that it is just not the one for us?

So, will finding the ideal mate make us feel blissful every night? Make us feel the spring in our stride and perhaps we finally feel less afraid because for once we seem to have the answers to all our questions.

TGIF - Maybe not

I am tired.

On one hand I am glad tomorrow's Friday, yet I dread the week to come.

I need to focus... but what should I be focusing on?


I am tired.

Maybe I should crawl into my cave and hibernate. Filter out all the noise and distractions.

And focus... on... what should I focus on anyway?

As All-4-One's Someday plays in the background... I feel my heavy shoulders, aching feet and craving for a little comfort food.

Sigh...

Autopilot Mode - On

The madness has begun.

Today I looked at her with my "as wide as possible" eyes and ask "how am I supposed to do this by Friday?" I need to cancel some plans and for the next few days I will have to be on an autopilot mode...

Why must we have meetings at this time?

Oh Gawd!

我只想说

我想你

却不敢告诉你

无意间碰到你

有说不出的喜悦

却不好意思告诉你

你总是在我不知情的时候

悄悄地进入我的思维

我不说

你也都知道吧

If you want to be happy, Be ~ Leo Tolstoy

I am here, you are there...

We are separated by space and time...

So Why Do I Push Myself So Hard?

For the last couple of weeks, I have every reason to be extra happy.

Finally I felt freedom, peace and bliss. It is liberating indeed and I hold this strong belief that I now know I do not need answers, but I need to constantly question. Question about life, about myself, about what is really important and what really matters. There will be no answers to these questions yet I now know somehow, somewhere I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It will always turn out well, somehow.

So why do I push myself so hard?

Why do I find something to be so unhappy about? Am I incapable of just being always blissful? Why do I go search for issues that question my ability in my job? I can and perhaps I should just go with the flow and do things as they are done...

But no.

I got to have this anal habit of digging my hooves and being stubborn about how some things ought to be... of trying to keep this level of expectation which seems even beyond my reach.

Sigh....

Why do I push myself so hard? M asked why am I so hard on myself?

Do I secretly despise being mediocre? Or perhaps I am afraid I will become one of the insignificant average?

Perhaps I am more ambitious than I care to admit.

Why I cried

I cried because...

When you said "No, because that means one day I will have to break up with you", I felt immediately being rejected.

Though you were being logical and honest in your response, my question was an emotional one. I wasn't prepared for it. I only wanted to know (though not simply) what am I to you?

My question was intended for now. I don't know how things will be like in the future. I like things as they are now and I wanted to know how you feel about me. But I guess that's one place you don't wish to venture into.

We have been hurt and scarred in our own ways. Permanence seem to be something we both don't wish to see for the time being. I don't want to hide things from you and I felt necessary to be open about things in my life when we are together... Yet most of the time I am stumped and I stop to ask myself "Are we together? What am I to you?" By asking you that question, am I asking you for a commitment... where in response, you retreated quickly into your shell and said again that if need be, we can discontinue.

That's when I cried.

I am not asking for permanence... I know very well how long this will last. I am asking if you feel the same way as I feel and be in this relationship as I am. Pain and hurt do not happen when one relationship ends. They happen because there was untruth, insincerity and lack of kindness.

Being in one relationship while exploring other opportunities just doesn't resonate well with me.

Let down your hair...

Tonight I feel like Rapunzel living in the high tower.

I can see the horizon... the sights afar...

I ought to feel as though I am at the top of the world.

At least Rapunzel had her long hair that connected her to the world below.

I feel like I am Rapunzel without her long long hair...

I wonder if that's what makes me feel somewhat disconnected from the rest of the world tonight.

他的手

他温柔的双手

轻轻地抚摸，

悠悠地触动，

暖暖地牵着我的手。

他温暖的双手

柔柔地，

亲亲地，

切切地握着我的手。

一切的言语都不如他的那一双手。

My Soulmate List

Today I thought... I cannot foolhardily jump onto another random boat that comes into my harbour. I got to have somewhat a "list", kind of like what I really want to see in my soulmate.

Hmmm...

1. Must love coffee. I really do not wish to anymore explain why a good cuppa is so important to me on a weekend. That a 3-in-1 is simply and never will be good enough.

2. Must understand the importance of comfort food aka Food for My Soul. Being able to empathize with my relationship with my food, can avoid alot of disputes and unnecessary accusations. I don't binge unless it's a crisis. If I need a plate of carbonara to ease the day's difficulties, let me have my carbonara in peace and all will be well.

3. He preferably should have a hobby that he's passionate about. In other words, he shouldn't be just passionate about me.

4. Ideally, he is creative and has some interest in art / music. Somehow that outlet provides a whole different perspective to person that Maths and Science can't.

5. I would like if he's intellectually stimulating and has the curiosity of a child.

6. He must have a healthy relationship with money. This aspect is kind of complicated to explain... I think it's easy for anyone of us to be obsessed with money and think that we can never have enough.

7. Must be kind. I believe this is self explanatory.

8. Must have courage. Have the courage to act on what's necessary. The courage to be different, to believe and to venture into the unknown.

9. Preferably to have travelled and love to travel more.

10. We must have a emotional connection.

This list is by no means exhaustive nor do the items have equal importance. Just an idea for me to ponder on the things that I want :)