Some Thoughts

It has been a long while since I last wrote in this blog. It has been on my mind these days... the thought that I haven't logged into my blog... and that I should get down to pen my thoughts have been nagging me.

Today is such a night. I couldn't sleep (again) and all I can think of is what I could write into my blog and perhaps I should get out of my comfortable bed and start typing. I don't really know what to say really. There is some anxiety in me. Some feeling of unrest... the feeling that I should have done some things and I haven't got down to doing. Paranoia... plenty of it I'm afraid... perhaps subconsciously, there is some stress that I am either not aware of or denying it.

Anyhow, Christmas and the New Year is coming... I have always liked Christmas.. it is the New Year that I am not looking forward to. I guess it has to do with the fact that school term begins after the New Year. I guess for almost all my life I have hardly been ready for school at the beginning of the year. When I was a student, there is always homework to be completed, as a working adult, there's work to be completed. I don't remember having New Year to be stress free. Got to break that cycle. I shall work on it. I will enjoy my New Year this time round... Stress free :D

"Spring" Cleaning

It took me two days to finally clear the pile of mess on my table... Kind of like "Spring Cleaning" though spring isn't exactly round the corner. I just felt that I needed to clear my thoughts and space and I haven't been productive working in that environment.. So I sat at my place and started clearing.

I am quite please with all the work really. It is finally clean and I am going to get my space to think and perhaps work a little more efficiently as the end of the year approaches :)

Taking a moment

I am under tremendous amount of stress. I feel the tension in my head, how quickly my temper flew. I need to take a quiet moment. Can't talk to people.. definitely cannot talk to pupils too.

A group of girls came specially to school to help me out today and yet their endless chattering nearly drove me up the wall... I should be appreciative and be able to express my gratitude for their assistance... yet my thanks didn't seem enough.. more like it didn't come out convincingly. Really need to take a quiet moment to recollect my thoughts... before, as one of the girls said.. my blood vessel bursts.

Sleepless again

Sleep eludes me. Every morning I wake up, resolving to sleep early in the night so that I don't have to go through the agony of dragging myself out of bed. However, when night comes, sleep is beyond me.

I know I am tired... physically... but mentally my mind is still working... going through the events in the day and worry over the things to come the next day... Of course this is uncalled for... I should quit worrying just so that the mind can rest... But how do you switch that off in your mind? Isn't it that the more you try to stop thinking about it.. the more you are thinking about it?

I am getting lesser and lesser sleep during weekdays. The duration of the sleep is getting shorter and it is often not well rested... I will be waking in the middle of the night, checking the time, or wondering what a weird dream I had.

After writing this I am going to try to sleep again... and I hope this time I will be able to slip into slumberland.

Now and Then

I read a fellow colleague's blog and it prompted me to pen down some of my thoughts. He commented about pupils in the past (like us) and pupils now. He mentioned about what teachers often lament that kids are not like how we were in the past... though the curriculum is seemingly less difficult than before.

Are the youths today "softer" than the generation before? It is true that it is a whole lot harder to be students these days than before... and likewise can be said about teachers. If I may indulge myself in this topic, I would just like to share my personal thoughts about it.

There have been huge amount of changes that we see in the last 20 years. Computers are unheard of... much less about internet then. We had no handphones, no pagers and there was little entertainment on television on those days. We have relatively little distractions when we were students and we pretty much have to engage ourselves through various activities in schools or personal hobbies. Collecting stamps were popular and many of us loved to read... and as technology weren't as advanced as now, we had to write snail mail to friends who are overseas and had to patiently wait for weeks before we get a reply.

I guess these things are all part of our training... training of our minds and patience. We were able to wait and know that gratifications will be later and we will see the fruits of our labour. In the 21st century... everything moves in a rapid pace. People writes emails to others or even simply sms each other. Instant replies are expected and mind you ... you will get a scolding if you forget to bring your mobile phone along.... Computer is very much part of our lives... and the internet has such vast amount of information not to mention distractions.

I guess we were fortunate when we were younger. We had a simpler life. We had lesser distractions... Thus we were able to grow up at our own pace and to learn that we have to deal with frustrations and perhaps be patient and wait to see our fruits of labour. Youths today have to battle with so much distractions.. they have to grow up so quickly as they are exposed to adult issues at an early age (check the contents of the tv programmes). They are like the cocoon that has been pried open and forced to emerge as an adult butterfly. They do not know what is struggle... they do not know what it is like to work tirelessly even though the reward is nowhere in sight.

It is societal change that we are facing... an irreversible one I'm afraid... We were told time and time again that we need to design our delivery of curriculum so that it will attract kids to learn... to motivate them to learn.... but is this then a backward bend towards the situation. How much attraction do we need to do? Are we then teaching kids that it is okay not to be interested cause it is someone's responsibility to ensure that it is attractive / motivating enough for you to learn. Where is the perseverance... the patience to see things through even though it is mundane and boring? Are we heading the wrong way? The kids say that we have high expectations from them... and the standards are different... but if you ask me... I think we can't catch them everytime they fall... They must learnt to fall... pick themselves up... spirits undaunted.... and continuing to face the world with courage, faith and a passion for learning.

The Boundaries

We have fences around most of the buildings here... Are they there to keep people out of the premises or are they there to keep the people on the premises in?

Catcus Inspired

Glazed black on the inside and brown oxide on the outside.
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Misty

A tallish pot sponged with black and dark blue glaze.
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Another Trailed Bowl

It has been a long while since we have had so many new glazes to try. This is glazed with white and Studio 1. Studio 1 was borne from the oxides that we cleaned off from the bottom of our pots... Hence the name Studio.
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The White Bowl

I realised this was not too well taken but I really like the glossy white. It gives the bowl an elegant touch to it.
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Trailed Platter

This is a development from the palm plates. It is much bigger and glazed with yellow and oribe, trailed with black.
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Palm Plates

Finally got around to take some pictures of my pottery pieces. This is a set of hand build palm plates with various glazes and trailing.
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Silent Night

Tonight is one of those nights when things are very quiet. There is only the music from the radio that fills the emptiness in the night.

Strangely I found this soothing and peaceful. It has been a while since I wrote in this blog. The daily activities and schedule simply take up one's mind and energy, leaving little to reflect and ponder.

I have always hated writing. I have never liked to write a diary or journal. I find the task of just finding the right words too cumbersome and exhausting and I often abandoned the task before I was through. Yet these days, I look forward to writing in my blog. Especially on an extremely busy day, I just want to sit down and write, finding the peace amongst the chaos. It allows me to relax, pause for a moment, recollect my thoughts and to touch base with my emotions.

Quite an irony... The act that used to stress me has become the tool I used to destress these days. I guess nothing is ever predictable in life. Even when we think we know ourselves and we are in control of our lives, things change and sometimes it can be so subtle that we don't realise that it is happening...

Patience

"Patience is a quality that is most needed when it is exhausted."

The Village

In our pursuit for an utopia, does it mean that we must have absolute control in our environment and people? There must be rules to determine what is socially acceptable, what is right and what is wrong. The boundaries of our lives are pretty much set in that sense. We were often taught about how important it is to behave in an acceptable manner in our well defined limitations. Exploring beyond that limitation will hence require great strength and courage. Should we try to embark into a foreign territory, to enter unexplored grounds, we are often consumed by our own fears .... and to some of us, the fear can be so great that it can cripple us and stop us from pursuing the unknown. To some of us, we may try to overcome our fears by placing our faith and beliefs in some things that may only have a placebo effect. Fear is however a two edged sword. When we fear that we will lose the very thing that matters to us, fear then becomes the force that drives us to go beyond our comfort zone into the unknown.

Yet having said that, there will always be someone amongst us who is a non-conformist and does not see the boundaries in his life. He does things as he desires , he displays no inhibitions in his manners and his dealings with people around him. He is not governed by rules and has no fear in exploring beyond the limitations and his desires. He is often deemed by others to be beyond control and crazy, punishment is often used to manage his undesirable behaviours. The existence of this person or persons could threaten the existence of this utopia.

In our schools, are we encouraging curiosity and passion or are we instilling fear? How often we were challenged by pupils who have no regards for rules and regulations, who are good natured people but do not understand why we must abide those rules. In meting the punishment to reform undesired behaviours, are we conditioning them to what we believe to be "social norms"? Are we better than them? Are we imposing our "conditioned" thoughts and beliefs to the pure and curious minds and in the process setting limitations to their lives?

The Journey Home

After a long and relaxing weekend at Tioman with some friends, we finally had to make our way back to Singapore.

The return trip was a bumpy one. First of all we had a not so smooth ride on the speedboat from Tioman to Mersing.... I was counting the minutes when we would finally reach land.... It was hot and stuffy and we had a splashing not-so-good time. Anyhow I thought it wasn't so bad... and treated ourselves to an ice cream.

We had a good start on our drive back from Mersing to Singapore. Traffic was light and everyone was in a happy mood including the baby. Our friends' baby then got restless.. She isn't too happy sitting in the car seat for such a long time. Nothing seemed to pacify her and she definitely made her unhappiness known.

As we approached the Causeway, it turned out that we were unable to cross it as there was a huge pileup in traffic and the roads were closed. The guys immediately said to head back and make way to the Second Link and got to reading maps and getting their bearings... It was already 8.30 pm.

We suggested taking a break and grabbing a bite somewhere and stretch our legs. We found this Pizza Hut by the road side. It turned out to be a delivery outlet and there were limited tables. All were taken and there was no other eatery in sight. Well, we thought, heck, we shall buy our pizzas and eat somewhere outside. What were we thinking??? The restuarant manager wanted to come out and chase us away. However, he was stopped by some customers who were dining in the restuarant, who offered to combine some their tables and let us use one of theirs.

We were touched. Such a generous gesture... especially that they combined their tables with a couple of strangers so that we can have one. We had definitely not expected this and felt the warmth that was shown by them. Such a warm welcome on the foreign land.

It had affected us. There was more laughter and light moments on our remaining journey despite the heavy traffic...

To the family and the couple, we are grateful. .. They have shown us that in our lives, this is what that matters.... the humanity to others regardless of our nationality, our race and our culture.

Working with Clay

I just came home from my weekly pottery class.  It is like my weekly get away from everyday's activities and hectic schedule.  I have become quite aware of how much I treasure this time working with my hands and working on a form with clay.

 

There were days when it was frustrating, when I was unsatisfied with the pots that has turned out.  It seemed to be more often these days.  I took a moment today to think about it.  I only managed to turn three pots (most likely bowls) today.  I didn't get to throw and strangely, I was relucant to throw.  I didn't want to throw another bowl or a vase.  I wanted to think about a form that I would like to work on and develop.  Perhaps I am demanding more from myself.  Perhaps I would like to push the ideas beyond the usual functional wares that I have made. 

 

I spent yet again some time today looking through a pottery book on pinching.  I marvel at how the potter worked with such dedication and committment in developing a skill.  He had come up with such creative and interesting forms while using the most basic skill that all of us would have gone through - Pinching...  Who would have known that the very first pot we made, the ugly looking bowl,  could turn out to be something totally exciting and refreshing if we continue to work on that skill.

 

I left class today not feeling disappointed that I have not thrown anything.  I felt good.  I know that I am not interested in throwing as many pots as possible, I want to have pieces that I can say... that's my pot. 

To love or not to love

I read someone's blog and I thought perhaps I could write something about what was written.  He mentioned about fear of loving, fear of getting to know someone better as to quote "love changes expectations and expectations often fail".  He felt that he's often giving more and others often fail his expectations.

 

I don't know.  Do we feel like that all the time too?  Do we even think about anything before loving someone or getting to know someone better?  I ponder on it... and I looked within myself asking this question.. " Do I often put my feelings on a balance and would want the other person to put in the same?"  Is it like that?

 

Someone once commented that for someone whose nick is lookbeforeuleap, I certainly don't think much before I plunge into anything new... I would like to say it is the same for love.  I have never thought much about loving someone.. I just take the plunge.  Needless to say, and probably foolish, I get hurt and disappointed quite often.  However, does that mean I would weigh my odds before I love? No.  I am quite sure of that.  Perhaps in that case I am a poor gambler.. somehow the idea of associating love with gambling is rather crude... but I guess I am quite a risk taker with love.  Perhaps romantically, I still believe that love conquers all.  When there is love there is always hope and life.

 

I remembered when I was fifteen, someone once said "To love, you need to be loved".  It need not be from the very person you love, it could be anyone but the idea is that you need to be nourished to have the capability to show love to someone else.  Open the heart and there will be many possiblities.  Is that what they call passion? 

 

To my dear friend, I hope you will have the courage to love and to put your heart out and let others have a chance to love and be loved.

A Thought About Our Lives

Today we were told of the 'exciting' developments at our workplace.  We are exploring the possibilities of doing video conferencing in school and networking with other organisations.  As much I wonder in awe of the development of technology today and how it has allowed us to know more about our world, I also question how it has complicated our lives.

Do you remember the last time you went out without a single piece of technology on you?  Almost everyone has a mobile phone these days and it is even considered old fashion to have a phone that only allows you to make phone calls and sending smses.  The salesperson told me that to have a camera in the phone is a basic feature these days.

Are we busier these days because of the things we have?  Are we under more pressure as well as we are now more contactable and therefore can be "reachable" whenever some work matters arise.  Do you recall the last time you forgot to reply your email and someone got terribly cross with you?

We have become less patient these days.  Everything must be prompt, everyone must be reachable (even when you are on holiday) and every query must be answered immediately.  Whatever happened to snail mail?  The pleasure and excitement when one received a snail mail is nothing compared to an email or for that matter a sms.  This is because it represents the sender's sincerity and the effort put into the writing especially the sending involves more than just clicking onto the SEND button.

I recall reading in an article before about how important it is for us not to be attached to things we have.  It is with much dismal to see that we are very attached to the technology we are having in our lives.  People feel lost when they cannot access their emails, people feel uneasy when they forget to take their mobile phones with them that day.  Perhaps an occasional blackout is good.  It will remind us that the basic things in life can be enjoyable too.

 

Meeting the Family

Remember the boy who passed away in June?  I went to meet his family today with a colleague.  It was a visit we have postponed many times, each of us in our own way were uncertain if we feel comfortable meeting them.  It is really hard to describe this feeling ... but it is fear of not knowing what to say and if we would say the appropriate things.
 
When we arrived, we were given the same warm welcome like the last few times.  The difference is that we are not visiting a boy who is sick.  He is no longer with us.  What do you say to the family in this situation?  My colleague had many questions he wanted to ask but was afraid that it would not be appropriate.  We were both afraid that feelings that were long buried.. and kept buried, would be dug up unnecessarily.
 
We spoke briefly about our loss.... about our memories of the boy... about what he left us with... the courage to live... the optimism in facing his obstacles... and fighting till the end.  Though for reasons we can't fathom, we know, there are reasons why he came and touch our lives.  He had shown us how we should live our own lives.... as Alex says that we should treasure those who are still around... how true... a young life to remind us that we should be thinking about what we are doing in our lives and what we have forgotten to do... 
 
Say to someone who matters to you that you appreciate them being around.. being who they are..... being there to touch your life and make you who you are....
 
I guess this is some form of closure for me... In some ways I felt the peace in the house..... the acceptance that it had happened...  yet knowing that he was very much alive in our memories. 

Fate

I must write this down before I forget it.
 

Fate is opportunity meeting preparation

Fund Raising

Most of the 30 pots were sold today. Response was much better than I expected. People were generally surprised that I did so many of them.. They were even more surprised when they realised that I have more pots at home and I have been doing pottery for 5 years.

Would they find it strange or amaze that someone has been jogging regularly for 5 years? Has our busy schedule in our lives made it so difficult for us to commit to anything for long term? I was rushing again for my pottery session. I remembered telling someone that I will probably kill myself trying to do all that... I know somehow if I stop or miss some sessions, I will not be able to pick up the momentum again. It will be difficult and I will be overwhelmed by many other things around me.  Seeing them being sold and appreciate by the buyers, I know this is worth it.

One of the Pieces

One of my favourite piece that had been sold last year. Happened to chance upon it while looking through my album. I am glad someone had liked it. It is the only one with such unique textture and glaze.
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My Pots

I was packing 30 of my pots last night for a fund raising sale. It was with great reluctance that I went through this process. I just couldn't bear to let them go.

Throughout the packing, I went back and forth, deciding which are the ones I want to sell and which are the ones I would want to keep. The decision was certainly not an easy one. As much as I would like to keep the nicer ones for myself, I couldn't sell the ones that aren't good enough. However I must remember that there may be people who like the ones I don't.

I guess I should take comfort that the pots will be used and well appreciated by those who buy them.

Let's talk

What do you tell someone when she told you that her father was diagnosed with second stage of cancer? I couldn't find the words. I knew nothing I say will ease the burden of the heart. Nothing will take away the fear of what's to come. Nothing can comfort the aching heart.

I guess experience does change our perception and feelings towards certain things in life. Perhaps it taught us empathy and it makes the phrase "I know how you feel" more credible. We often don't really know how another person feels... because no two experiences are identical. They may be similar but never identical. So how can one know EXACTLY how the other person feels? Not to mention that it is rare to find two persons who feel the same intensity towards a particular issue.

Human beings are complex in nature. In some ways it made life interesting and to some extent challenging. Just relating with people takes skills (a variety of them) and yet looking back you will realise there is still plenty to learn... plenty to improve on. I am unhappy with the quality of the relationships with the people around me. I have learnt so little about them. Learnt so little about what's going on in their lives... what excites them...

Perhaps we should all take a moment to ponder the quality of the relationships we have. Were our best relationships the ones we had during our school days .. when we were able to talk endlessly about anything under the sky... or sharing our dreams over a packet of fries and they seemed to last throughout the whole afternoon. No rush... no judgement...

The MRT ride

I have always thought of life is like taking a MRT ride. In our lives we meet numerous people... We can never tell when we will meet them.... neither will we know when they will leave... like strangers we meet on the MRT. We don't really know if the person who sits next to you will alight at the next stop or will sit with you till the end of the line.

Some passengers choose to immense themselves in their reading during their rides, whereas some like to watch the people around them and some to catch their forty winks. Sometimes we are caught up with our own activities, we don't realise that many things are happening around us or life has quietly crept us by. By saying that, I realise there are people who choose to indulge themselves in things they like since the ride is relatively short. They just want to make sure that they have had an enjoyable and satisfying ride.... making the most out of it.

"Making the most out of it" that's how I would like my life to be. For a while, there has been a period of panic, when I felt that I do not have time. I was anxious that time had crept me by and there is so little I had done. I felt sometimes that my life is stifling and my world is so small. There is still so much to be seen, to be experienced and there is hardly time. I guess all that surfaced through various forms of expressions particularly in my view of the world and the unhappiness that I have been feeling.

I can't say if I am out of that phase, but I know I am feeling calmer... I am still looking for direction... looking within me for answers... to make the most out of my life... to feel alive again.

The Arena

Two weeks without internet access had been surprisingly relaxing and peaceful.

We caught a bull fight at the arena this time in Spain. It was more like a "training" ground for the new bull fighters (matadors). The atmosphere at the arena was electrifying. The crowd waited patiently at the their tiny concrete place for the show to begin.

As it was my first time watching a bull fight, I was quite interested in the surroundings as well as the structure of the arena. The entire bull fight is like a performance. The costumes, the fanfare were impressive even though it is an amatuer bull fight. It took me awhile to figure out the beauty of the dance with the bull and the skills that the matador had displayed gracefully.

However, I wasn't prepared for the fact that the bull would have to die in the end. Of course the men would say it is a fair fight between the bull and the matador. But it was obvious that the matador was having the upper hand and I wonder why must the bull die? If it is a performing art, why is death necessary? I must admit that it is also a skill if the matador is able to pierce through the heart of the bull in one single strike. But should the appreciation of an art need unnecessary sacrifice of an animal? Would this appreciation be compromised if the bull survives in this case?

It was definitely an eye opener for me. I doubt I will ever watch it again though. As I found it difficult to cheer like the crowd when the bull expires shortly after the final act... I still cannot understand why the bull had to die.

Fly Away

I could feel it in my heart... it is already on the plane.. flying to Spain.. Hooray!! I can barely wait.. The whole day I wasn't focusing on my work.. my mind kept counting the hours and minutes that the work week will be over and how glad I will be when I am finally on that plane... Cast all thoughts of work behind.. leave them here while I take a breather.. more sun, sand and sea...

He's Gone

The boy is gone. He's only 14. Such a cheerful and optimistic child and he has left this world.

I don't know what I am feeling now... anger? or sadness.. perhaps both... As much as my mind says there are reasons why a person has to leave this world prematurely, there are reasons for things to happen... I can't understand and accept this... WHY?

Imperfections

I remembered my first thrown pot. It is a small green bowl that I use to put my sauces or condiments. It is off centred and I often say that there are baby fats at various parts of the pots.

Perhaps after a few years of throwing, I may have done bigger and more beautiful bowls than that, but it remains to be the pot of most sentimental value. It reminds me of my first struggle with clay, the frustration and the lack of ability. Every step is a conscious and deliberate effort to control and manage the clay. Nowadays there is little thought in the coordination of hands, eyes and foot. It has become a skill ingrained in the mind, just like cycling.

I remembered some years back, someone asked if she could have one of my flawed pots. Interestingly, she told me that she wanted one so that it will remind her of imperfections in life and still seeing the beauty in it. I obliged. She asked me then what was the flaw of my pot. It was then I realised that in our eyes, we are often so critical of things we do. All the little flaws are magnified in our eyes and we do not see the beauty. However, it is more often than not that these flaws are overlooked by others. In their eyes, they only noticed the perfection and beauty. I guess we will just have to liven up a little and take things easy.

What's That Called Again?

Has this ever happened to you? Someone asked you a question and you knew you obviously know the answer but it seemed to be at the tip of your tongue. A friend of mine asked me the street name of this dim sum place today. I could tell her the name of the restaurant, I could even picture that place in my mind but I couldn't tell her where it is.

It is amazing how some of our minds capture information in pictorial forms and store them that way. If I meet a person once, his / her face will be stuck in my memory for a while. Should I meet the person again, I can remember the face and probably the occasion when we met, but ask me the name... it simply eludes me.

Memory is such an intriguing thing. Perhaps if there's a chance, I would like to know more about it and how it works. How it can suppress traumatic events to the conscious mind and how it still give the same intense feelings when they are being remembered again.

One More Week

One more week and finally the madness will be over... well at least no madness for a couple of weeks... I shan't be greedy.. a couple of weeks will be better than none.. though deep down inside I would like it to be over forever.

The Waiting Game

An old friend told me some time ago that in life it is all about the waiting. Though we may not like it, but we have to wait for sometime for things to happen. The longer the wait, the better we will cherish and treasure it.

In this world of instant gratification, how many people are still willing to wait? How many people would want things their way with a snap of their fingers? Patience has perhaps been a forgotten virtue in this modern and fast paced society. Perhaps the question that many will ask is "Even if I am willing to wait, am I going to be rewarded for my patience, or will I lose out in the competition?" What kind of attitude should we adopt in life? The laid back and relax one or the go getter? If we are in a team and there is someone who is has the laid back and relax mentality or perhaps taking things slow and steady in his stride, are we patient enough to wait? or are we going to jump in and do things our way?

Should we wait and be patient.. how long should we wait till we realise some things are not going to happen? It is more like that isn't it? We wait and nothing happens and if we seize the moment it may backfire. This isn't easy.

Perhaps some may say this is a pessimistic point of view, or some may candidly say "don't think too much into it". It is precisely that we had hardly thought anything about anything, that we have drifted for so long. We do what others do, comforting ourselves that it is the norm, but isn't the norm some man has determined? I sometimes do think that as we get older, we think lesser. We get drawn into the adult game, the adult pursue and norms and we satisfy ourselves by rationalising that it is how life is. Such a defeatist statement. I almost cringed when someone said that to me. It is like that is the answer one should give when there is none.

Peaceful Weekend

Haven't had this for a long time... A quiet and peaceful weekend. Got up this morning to go to work, shop for groceries, came home, took a luxurious nap....

I am glad for this weekend. I finally feel the peace and the satisfaction in my soul... the sense of freedom... of being able to do things as I like, as I please..

Definitely love the moment.

tea cups
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my pots
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Death

Today I started the morning receiving news about my colleague's father who had passed away during the weekend. I remembered 2 years ago, when she told me that he was diagnosed with cancer, my father in-law was in critical condition, also suffering from cancer.

It is strange how some emotions stayed with you even though it had been over so long. Today, I felt the same emotions as 2 years ago when I hurried back to see my father in-law. He was a robust and healthy man. Despite his age, he could outwalk and outpace me anytime and the doctor had described him as a bull. When I saw him again 2 years back I was taken aback at how the illness had taken a toll on him. He looked haggard and the energy was gone. He was in pain, constant pain. He couldn't eat anymore and he couldn't walk from his bed. Throughout the whole time, I thought he will pull out of it. He had been so healthy, he won't succumb to illness. It was too soon for him to go.

However, he left. I remembered trying very hard to accept that fact that he's no longer with us. It was awfully uncomfortable to be in the house where the spirit and memories of him were so much alive. I missed him and I never got over the fact that he was gone. I will never have the chance to know him better, love him more or even share anymore of those great times together.

Death was really something I couldn't understand. It is perhaps beyond my reasoning and sense. Questions like "will I see him again" and "why must it all end so abruptly" were in my head all the time. I was surprised when all these thoughts came flooding back to me. Perhaps I had shared some bond with my colleague, some common feelings as I too understood the struggle in the fight against cancer and how it pains us to see someone we love suffering in pain. I share her loss and I know, even though this is a long drawn illness, no one is ever prepared to see their loved ones go.

As the poem has aptly put it time does not bring relief. The feelings and pain can be just as strong but the memories can be just as good.

Time Does Not Bring Relief

TIME does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide!

There are a hundred places where I fear
To go, -- so with his memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him!

by Edna St. Vincent Millay

Existence of Being

Have you ever stopped and greet someone Good Morning? Someone like the cleaning attendant or a fellow passenger in the elevator? Have you ever noticed the surprised look followed by a really pleasant response?

I guess it is like you have noticed their existence. I don’t know how to describe the feeling but when I see an elderly person still working, cleaning up places.. I often wonder shouldn’t they be enjoying life at this age? I do know however, they appreciated the morning greeting and they showed by responding back with such a brilliant smile and asking if you have eaten. It is indeed a typical Chinese way of asking about your well being but it definitely lightens up my day.

I vividly remembered that many years ago, I was doing Flag Selling at Raffles Place; the place that was bustling with activities and with heavy human traffic flow in the morning and evening. I went up to quite a few people, asking if they would like to donate to the particular charity organisation. I was shocked to see that so many would just walk by as though I didn’t exist, nor have I spoken. I was not expecting everyone to donate, but at least a response like shaking of head or some gesture. Instead it was a blank look on their faces as they hurried past. That experience had changed the way I feel about people and definitely towards people who sell flags as well. Now I make a point to respond to the request.

In work and in many stages of our lives, we seek recognition in some forms. At school, we want to be recognised for our efforts and hard work in the form of our results. At work, we want to be recognised for our contributions and talents. However, in all of us, there is definitely a need for recognition of our existence. Remember the movie “What Women Want” there was one lady who felt that she is non existent and people just walk through her? There are people like that in our lives. We should make a point to acknowledge their existence and all it takes is just a Good Morning.

Follow your Heart

Where does your heart take you to? What does your heart desire? Is it ever possible to do things to your heart desires.. or often we do things because it is socially acceptable and it is the norm? People often say that you have a choice in life.. To choose the path you want to walk on.. to make your decisions.. there will always be a choice.

As social beings... how many of us can actually do that? how often we judged people who take the road less travelled or perceive their importance in life to be different from the rest... and precisely we judged others.. we know we will too be judged on our actions and decisions.. Do you do certain things because they are right or do you do them because they are socially acceptable?

Many a times, I struggle with decision making and choices... as often my heart and head say different things... different opinions.. can I follow my heart? or TRY to make a rational decision? If only the heart can think for a change... or if the head can feel the pain, the dilemma..

A Dream

I had one of the strangest dream last night.. I dreamt that I was in some place... seemed like Australia.. and I wondering along the streets with a friend.. In a short time, the place filled with water and there were crocodiles everywhere.

Crocodiles?? probably alligators... but they looked the same to me.. there were some which lay absolutely still and there were some who are stirring from their slumber. I remembered in my dream that I was tip toeing around them, hoping not to awake anyone of them. One small (tiny) croc found its way onto my dress and I was desperately trying to wrestle it off... and of cos I was practically screaming away.

Dreams can be so unnerving sometimes. Especially when we don't know what they mean or suppose to mean... or has the mind translate the happenings in the day into something of a metaphor.. if only we can figure that out... the wonders of the mind

A Job

I had a heart to heart talk with my trainee today. I asked her why she chose this particular job and how she is managing it so far. I was surprised to hear that this job is not her choice. She has been unwilling to take this job but took it eventually on her father's insistence. I asked her why she agreed to it when it is obvious that her heart is not for it?

I tried to persuade her by sharing with her my previous experiences and the rewards we get in this profession. She only said that is not what she wants. I don't know what to say anymore. How can I persuade someone that there is light at the end of the tunnel when she refuses to see the light? How can I show to her that there will be challenges for her to face and she should keep an open mind and take up those challenges? I can't... I can only tell and share my feelings and thoughts... but they are only words... and sometimes they are not enough to persuade, to convince.

The mind is such a powerful thing. It determines how you perceive your world, how you can choose to see challenges or opportunities. Should that heart and mind close that possibility then one can see nothing.... will not see the silver lining, will not see the hope... nor the light at the end of the tunnel.

As I was saying it to her all these, it felt like they are those very words that I need as well. I need to remember that there will be light at the end for me... I must believe that I will get there and I am given challenges because I can handle them.

Housekeeping

I decided to do some housekeeping today... deleted some of my old blogs away.... just felt that they are no longer relevant.... and I didn't want anyone to read them.... I guess at some parts of our lives, we want to stop and take stock of things around us... organise our thoughts... feelings... and rearrange our priorities.. The changes may be minimal.. but they help us to put stuff into perspective and in some ways to rest and move on.

I feel more at ease and peace with myself these days... I wonder if it is because I have finally made up my mind.. or I have managed to detach my feelings from my work... In some ways I feel the distance I am keeping and how little I need to struggle to leave work early these days. I just switched off my computer and go home... leaving the rest of the battle for the following day.

I do not know if it is good... but I don't really care... what I do know is that I get to enjoy some personal time alone.

Till Death do us part

Death was on my mind today.... not because someone I knew died... but it was the reminder that death is often so near to us. I heard about a boy I know, who is 14 years old, who battled with cancer last year. He won the battle last year but today, I heard that it was found that he has a tumour in his brain and he is in the intensive care....

Death is not only for people who are old... sometimes he comes with ample notice... sometimes he crepts to us and catches us unaware... If there is anything that we take for granted in life... I think that would have to be our youth... We assume we have all the time in the world.. we assume there will always be a tomorrow.. we can always catch that dream, catch up with a friend, our familiy tomorrow, on another day... but how often are we sure that there will be a tomorrow?

I pray that there will be strength for both the boy and his family in this difficult time.. he is so young, he should have all the time and youth ahead of him...

Tired

I feel so tired... the kind when you feel you just want to crawl into your shell and be left alone for a while... I don't want to see anyone... face anybody... just be alone and spend some time with myself ... To ponder, to sleep and feel the peace...

Dreams

Do you dream? Well I was told we dream every night.... it is just a matter of whether we remember them that's all.

There is one dream that I often had... I was in a middle of a sea... not on a boat... but simply floating in the middle of the sea... The sea was relatively calm but I was too tired to swim... I could see an oil rig structure in some distance away (???) and I could see people standing on it..... I remembered feeling fear and anxiety... yet I didn't shout for help or attempt to swim towards it......

The dream will always end in that mood... and I felt more perplexed and confused...

Was it supposed to mean something? I wonder what can be in my subconscious that would lead me to piece those funny pieces together... the wonder of it all....

Walking Together

Some nights ago, I was on my home and I happened to walk with this person next to me. For some reasons we were walking at the same pace, same speed and same path for a good 100m. Technically speaking, we are neighbours, but he is very much a stranger to me as I am to him. It strike me then that how rare it is to be walking with a stranger and at the same pace.

Five years ago, a guy friend once asked me about what I perceived marriage to be. I vividly remember that it was during one of those times when we had coffee together. I recalled saying that it is like 2 people walking their lives together.. not behind one another nor in front but side by side. His thoughts then were that it is almost impossible to find someone who can walk the same pace as you... walk in the same direction... Of course ideally you may find someone who is just like that... but if not does that mean that marriage is then beyond alot of us?

Not true I guess. This is where I thought if you can find someone who is willing to walk with you... slowing down when you are tired and you do likewise for him / her... sharing common destination or even willing to compromise (on both sides)... then I guess this marriage will last. How often we see dating couples holding hands walking together.... After tying the knot how many couples continued to do that? It was never easy to find someone who walked your life with you... It is often that the person is behind or in front of you... so if we do find one.... will we remember to hold his / her hand and continue to walk our lives together?

Mid Life Crisis

Met up with my good friend for dinner last night and we talked endlessly about our lives and work and stuff that overwhelms us these days... It is amazing that despite our differences in our jobs and personalities, we seem to be facing similar situations. We seem to have reached our saturation point... or we are unable to see what's ahead anymore... It was extremely funny when she mentioned that we sounded like as though we are having our mid-life crisis.... Mid Life Crisis??? Are we at our mid life already? gosh... where did all those years go?
We have no intentions to pursue the luxurious things in life... not even yearning for them... but we both shared the same emptiness we inside.... the need to enrich the soul.. to be overwhelmed by things that really matter... that would have made that difference in life... or even the luxury to enjoy the simple things in life...
Would it ever be possible? If we continue to go with the flow I can't imagine what my later life will be like... perhaps I won't be thinking anymore.

My Literature Teacher

I thought of the White Mountains today. I never understood what my teacher was talking about when she referred to our Literature book: The White Mountains. Afterall it is about some boy running away from the tripods because he didn't want to have metal cap embedded in his skull. Yet today, it all clicked in my mind. Perhaps I was feeling really frustrated and trapped. Perhaps my mind finally opened and I saw the light. Perhaps, perhaps....

How many times I have been told "That's life. You will have to accept things as they are"... "It is normal because everyone feels the same". Yet does it mean that it is the right way? How many of us spend more than a third of our day at work? What is work anyway? Why do you work? What is the drive behind it all? Money? Fame? Prestige? The weirdest thing is that most people think it is normal to commit so much time at work... to constantly strive for improvements and achievements. Like as though we all wear a metal cap embedded in our skull... the tripods telling us that we should work hard... striving for greater results... blah blah blah...

How many of us are brave enough to be different and not conform to these so called norms... or how many of us are caught in this web, struggled to break free and in turn lose our sanity... I finally understood my teacher's passion. A pity that it is only when I felt that I am already caught in this web.