TGIF - Maybe not

I am tired.

On one hand I am glad tomorrow's Friday, yet I dread the week to come.

I need to focus... but what should I be focusing on?


I am tired.

Maybe I should crawl into my cave and hibernate. Filter out all the noise and distractions.

And focus... on... what should I focus on anyway?

As All-4-One's Someday plays in the background... I feel my heavy shoulders, aching feet and craving for a little comfort food.

Sigh...

Autopilot Mode - On

The madness has begun.

Today I looked at her with my "as wide as possible" eyes and ask "how am I supposed to do this by Friday?" I need to cancel some plans and for the next few days I will have to be on an autopilot mode...

Why must we have meetings at this time?

Oh Gawd!

我只想说

我想你

却不敢告诉你

无意间碰到你

有说不出的喜悦

却不好意思告诉你

你总是在我不知情的时候

悄悄地进入我的思维

我不说

你也都知道吧

If you want to be happy, Be ~ Leo Tolstoy

I am here, you are there...

We are separated by space and time...

So Why Do I Push Myself So Hard?

For the last couple of weeks, I have every reason to be extra happy.

Finally I felt freedom, peace and bliss. It is liberating indeed and I hold this strong belief that I now know I do not need answers, but I need to constantly question. Question about life, about myself, about what is really important and what really matters. There will be no answers to these questions yet I now know somehow, somewhere I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It will always turn out well, somehow.

So why do I push myself so hard?

Why do I find something to be so unhappy about? Am I incapable of just being always blissful? Why do I go search for issues that question my ability in my job? I can and perhaps I should just go with the flow and do things as they are done...

But no.

I got to have this anal habit of digging my hooves and being stubborn about how some things ought to be... of trying to keep this level of expectation which seems even beyond my reach.

Sigh....

Why do I push myself so hard? M asked why am I so hard on myself?

Do I secretly despise being mediocre? Or perhaps I am afraid I will become one of the insignificant average?

Perhaps I am more ambitious than I care to admit.

Why I cried

I cried because...

When you said "No, because that means one day I will have to break up with you", I felt immediately being rejected.

Though you were being logical and honest in your response, my question was an emotional one. I wasn't prepared for it. I only wanted to know (though not simply) what am I to you?

My question was intended for now. I don't know how things will be like in the future. I like things as they are now and I wanted to know how you feel about me. But I guess that's one place you don't wish to venture into.

We have been hurt and scarred in our own ways. Permanence seem to be something we both don't wish to see for the time being. I don't want to hide things from you and I felt necessary to be open about things in my life when we are together... Yet most of the time I am stumped and I stop to ask myself "Are we together? What am I to you?" By asking you that question, am I asking you for a commitment... where in response, you retreated quickly into your shell and said again that if need be, we can discontinue.

That's when I cried.

I am not asking for permanence... I know very well how long this will last. I am asking if you feel the same way as I feel and be in this relationship as I am. Pain and hurt do not happen when one relationship ends. They happen because there was untruth, insincerity and lack of kindness.

Being in one relationship while exploring other opportunities just doesn't resonate well with me.

Let down your hair...

Tonight I feel like Rapunzel living in the high tower.

I can see the horizon... the sights afar...

I ought to feel as though I am at the top of the world.

At least Rapunzel had her long hair that connected her to the world below.

I feel like I am Rapunzel without her long long hair...

I wonder if that's what makes me feel somewhat disconnected from the rest of the world tonight.