A Teacher's Heart

The card says "" Happy Teacher's Day" to you and may your heart desires be fulfilled, even as you strived for the good of your students. Do remember that the time and effort expended on your students may bear "fruits" years later. Take heart that they appreciate you, even if they don't express their feelings openly."

One did, five years later. She expressed how she had been touched by the teacher's belief in her. How she had motivated her to continue trying and believing that she will make it despite the odds. They laughed at how they knew they were pushing their luck and testing her patience, yet knowing in their hearts that she had always loved them and accepted them for what they were.

What the kids didn't know was that, they too had motivated her and helped her grow. They had shown her that it is alright and safe to love and have hopes. They had shown that all these patience and efforts had been all worthwhile.

Silence

These days I have been avoiding people. I realised that I am reluctant to be with people. I prefer to be alone, prefer to be left with my own thoughts... Not that I have much to think about. Yet, when I come home, welcoming the peace, the sense of emptiness hits me. I had felt terribly lonely.

Loneliness is a state of mind. One can be alone and yet not be lonely. I haven't felt like this for a long time. I had always yearned to be alone.... never quite expecting to feel lonely. I haven't figured out how to overcome it. My first impulse reaction was to find someone to go out with... but my heart isn't quite in it... then I realised, I had resisted it. I was reluctant to make that call, take that move. Am I willing myself to be lonely? Perhaps. Am I allowing myself to sink possibly deeper into the state of emptiness? Quite likely. I do know that I am not in a hurry to get out... though I am not too happy and comfortable at where I am either. It is like I want to mob around. I want to wallow in my own misery. I just want to be miserable.

I am fully aware that it has taken a toll on alot of my daily routines... I am not as prompt and am more tired with everything... then again.. I am going to let it be for the time being... Till I want to snap out of it.

Reflections

It has been a while since I have been reflecting. The rapid changes in circumstances and environment have allowed little time to think much less to reflect the impact of certain events. It need not necessarily be a bad thing. Afterall, wasn't it most often that we stopped at only thinking and rarely proceed from there? Perhaps we think too much and little action results from the intensed thinking and worrying.

These days, my nights are filled with emptiness. I feel exhausted and the major part of me doesn't want to meet anyone nor talk to anybody. I am beginning to enjoy this "emptiness" and silence. I guess no matter how exciting we constantly seek our lives to be, there would be times when one needs to spend time with self.

Someone ever commented that I like to plan such times on a regular basis. To the extent that it seemed that I am actually more a loner than a social being. Perhaps deep down, I am a loner. Perhaps in some ways, I do enjoy doing things on my own. Perhaps I am tired of being with people all the time.

I hate conflicts, I hate managing them. But when we are with people, conflicts are inevitable. In that sense, it can be so tiring... and draining. Yet... there seems to be no way out of this.

Moving

The pictures are finally taken off the wall

The shelves are standing bare without all the books

The drawers are emptied of all their contents
Most of the things have been boxed and sealed
The dwelling that I have put up at for years
has been stripped
and carefully gone through to make sure I didn't miss a spot
I hope I have boxed and packaged all my memories too.