Serenity

"Dear God...

Please grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change...

The courage to change the ones that I can...

And the wisdom to know the difference"

We have all seen this... yet today it struck a deep chord in my heart when I read this off a mug in the supermarket.

I don't know where to start. I don't even know if I should blog about it at all.

But I know late in the night at this time, I am sitting alone on the couch, with tears flowing.. wondering what on earth I have done.

I feel awful and guilty. In the face of everything that I have right now, I am insisting on pursuing a path to save my peace of mind. I am confused and deeply unhappy. And I am aware that if I continue to live my current life, I will die inside. It is already happening.

Yet ironically at this point in time, I reject any form of affection or intimacy. I only want to be alone. To be left alone. Let me sit out this time and wait for the next tide. Let my emotions calm down so that I can think and feel again.

Right now, I only feel the hurt and the guilt that I have hurt you. That I used your love for me to force you to behave against your nature because I am unable to accept my current state of mind. You cried. In all our years together, you almost never show a side of weakness or hurt. i must have hurt you very deeply and I can only say I am very sorry. It is not enough but I have nothing more to offer. I can't give you promises of the future unknown and I am not going to change my intentions.